35 Hilarious Funny Wedding Quotes for a Great Laugh

Weddings are beautiful, emotional events, but let's face it: they are also ripe for hilarious observations. Injecting humor into the celebration—whether through toasts, readings, or simply remembering the lighter side of commitment—is essential. These funny wedding quotes capture the true, often absurd, joy of tying the knot and navigating life's biggest partnership.

Laughing Down the Aisle: Quotes on Commitment

"Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend, every single night of the week."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A sweet yet simple view of marriage as perpetual companionship.

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

Author: Anne Bancroft

Benefit: A humorous nod to reverse psychology in marital dynamics.

"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A universal joke about avoiding tricky spousal conversations.

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

Author: Rita Rudner

Benefit: Captures the playful antagonism inherent in long-term love.

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me."

Author: Winston Churchill

Benefit: Classic self-deprecating humor praising the spouse.

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."

Author: Prince Philip

Benefit: A cynical yet funny observation on the fading honeymoon phase.

"Marriage is an excellent investment, as long as you don't use it to balance your life."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Reminds couples that partnership requires effort outside of domestic balance.

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterward."

Author: Benjamin Franklin

Benefit: Wise advice suggesting selective observation is key to marital happiness.

"The four most important words in any marriage are, 'I'll do the dishes.'"

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Elevates practical, everyday compromise to philosophical importance.

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

Author: Katherine Hepburn

Benefit: A witty summary of trading freedom for dedicated companionship.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Author: Dr. Seuss

Benefit: A charming take on finding your perfectly mismatched soulmate.

"If I were to live my life again, I'd find you sooner."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Though sentimental, this quote is often humorously used when reflecting on past single life decisions.

Long-Term Humor: The Reality of 'I Do'

"Marriage is not a word—it is a sentence."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A classic pun playing on the duration and finality of the marriage commitment.

"Marriage is a workshop... where the husband works and the wife shops."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A lighthearted joke touching upon traditional (and often exaggerated) spousal roles.

"A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Implies mutual appreciation and contentment within the relationship.

"In my house, I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Highlights the often-true power dynamic where one spouse manages the optics and the other manages the reality.

"She reads my mind, which is almost as annoying as if she couldn't."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Jokes about the double-edged sword of deep intimacy and knowing too much.

"The best marriage is one in which the husband is slightly deaf and the wife is legally blind."

Author: H.L. Mencken

Benefit: Suggests that overlooking small flaws and occasional arguments leads to peace.

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Author: Socrates

Benefit: A timeless quote suggesting marriage is beneficial regardless of the outcome.

"Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener."

Author: Pauline Thomason

Benefit: A humorous recognition of the difference between idealistic romance and practical reality.

"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A self-aware acknowledgment that every successful marriage is unique and hard-won.

"Why marry? Because love is temporary, but tax deductions are forever."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A cynical yet funny take on the financial benefits of partnership.

"Getting married is like agreeing to be on the same bowling team for the rest of your life."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: An analogy emphasizing teamwork, shared goals, and occasional gutter balls.

"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and always tell him how much he does for you—and how well he does it."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Sarcastic advice on spousal management and positive reinforcement.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Benefit: A classic stand-up joke highlighting the tension inherent in close relationships.

Funny Takes on the Ceremony and Vows

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."

Author: Will Ferrell

Benefit: Modern, relatable humor testing compatibility under digital stress.

"Marriage is an institution, and I'm not ready for an institution."

Author: Mae West

Benefit: A playful rejection of the traditional constraints associated with weddings.

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers anniversaries and the other who never lets him forget it."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Highlights the comical dynamic surrounding important dates.

"The most important thing in a relationship is the person's ability to laugh at your jokes, even if they're terrible."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Prioritizes shared humor and mutual support over actual comedic talent.

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together over the years."

Author: Simone Signoret

Benefit: A beautiful metaphor often quoted ironically when discussing nagging or slight disagreements.

"The greatest comfort when getting married is knowing there's someone beside you who's willing to suffer through your horrible cooking."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: Focuses on the acceptance of domestic imperfections.

"Love is like a war: easy to begin but very hard to stop."

Author: H.L. Mencken

Benefit: Compares the intensity of falling in love with the difficulty of maintaining it.

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A stereotypical but humorous depiction of controlling spending habits.

"If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her dog."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A witty piece of observational advice about tone and affection.

"Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be easily trained."

Author: Unknown

Benefit: A classic, self-aware joke about the perceived maturity gap in many relationships.

Whether you are planning a wedding, preparing a toast, or simply looking for a witty perspective on married life, these quotes offer proof that finding humor in commitment is crucial. Embrace the weirdness, cherish the annoyance, and keep laughing together through all the chapters of your life.