The 35 Funniest Jack Handey Quotes (Deep Thoughts)

Jack Handey, the mastermind behind Saturday Night Live's "Deep Thoughts," offers a brand of humor that is both brilliantly absurd and surprisingly insightful. His short, often surreal observations remind us not to take life too seriously, finding comedy in the mundane and the completely bizarre.

On Life, Adventure, and Mild Peril

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just remember, 'Don't look down.' Because it'll ruin a perfectly good day."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A reminder that perspective matters, even in seemingly dire circumstances; keep your focus positive.

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammate is terrible at guessing."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Highlights the comedic irony found in the contrast between serious situations and trivial activities.

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word 'kind.' If you're kind, that's what you are."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A simple, profound message advocating for genuine kindness as the core human trait.

"If you're in a store and you see a sign that says 'Do Not Enter,' you should go in anyway, because it's probably a secret government testing facility."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Encourages playful rebellion and questioning restrictive rules, fueling curiosity.

"I hope when I die, I’m not cremated. I hope I’m buried, and then in 500 years, they dig me up and put me in a museum."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Expresses a universal desire for lasting recognition and historical significance, even in death.

"If you go to a restaurant and the waiter tells you to try the soup, ask him why he didn't try it first. Because maybe he knows something you don't."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A humorous take on questioning authority and sales pitches, promoting critical thinking.

"Instead of having 'Save the Planet,' why don't we have a great big sign that says 'Make the Planet Better' and see what happens?"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Focuses on proactive improvement rather than defensive conservation, offering a subtly optimistic outlook.

"If you saw a man drowning, and you could save him, would you? If it was a real good-looking guy? I bet you would."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A satirical poke at human vanity and the sometimes arbitrary nature of our altruism.

"I always wanted to be a secret agent, but I think I’d be bad at it. I’d be sneaking around, and then I’d trip and yell, 'Damn it!'"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Relatable humor about the gap between grand ambitions and personal ineptitude.

"If I were a bird, I'd fly into the side of a mountain, just to see what kind of noise I'd make."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Celebrates the impulse toward experimentation and understanding limits, however reckless.

"I can't imagine what life would be like without the alphabet. If we didn't have the alphabet, we'd have to use pictures to communicate, and that would be really annoying."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Appreciates the utility of basic inventions, highlighting how much we rely on simplicity.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A hilarious subversion of a classic idiom, emphasizing cunning over empathy.

"We all know the truth: that we are going to die. But the good news is, we don't have to worry about it until we do."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A darkly humorous reassurance to focus on the present moment, deferring existential dread.

"I think the scariest day of my life was when I was seven and I was walking in the woods and I saw a skeleton. It was still moving, so I knew it wasn't dead."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Illustrates the logic of childhood fear, where definitions of life and death are fluid and often terrifyingly wrong.

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off not knowing anything. Like if I didn't know what a 'faucet' was, I wouldn't be worried about mine leaking."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Ponders the burden of knowledge and the simple bliss of ignorance.

"If you ever lose your mind, try to find it before it falls into the wrong hands."

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Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Encourages mental self-care and ownership over one's own sanity and thoughts.

"Dad said, 'Before you hit a guy, make sure he's not holding a bigger stick than you.' That's good advice."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A practical, if cynical, lesson in risk assessment and strategic conflict avoidance.

Absurd Philosophy and Deep Thoughts on Humanity

"Instead of having one long life, why don't we have 10 shorter ones? That way, we could keep starting over again."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Captures the desire for multiple chances and the freedom of radical reinvention.

"To me, the most beautiful thing about a sunset is that it's over quickly, so you don't have to watch it for too long."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A humorous critique of mandatory appreciation and the fleeting nature of beauty.

"If trees could talk, I think we'd be impressed with what they had to say. Like, 'Hey! Look out!'"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Playfully attributes human concerns and urgency to the stoic natural world.

"When I woke up this morning, I thought, 'I'm going to make the most of this day.' Then I realized I was still dreaming."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A funny exploration of motivation and the often disappointing reality check of waking life.

"If you're going to wear a fake mustache, make sure it’s a good one. Because if it looks fake, people will stare at you and think, 'Why is he wearing a fake mustache?'"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A life lesson in committing fully to a disguise or venture, avoiding half-measures.

"If you're riding a horse, and you go too fast, you might fall off. But if you go too slow, you might miss the end of the movie."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A nonsensical metaphor about balancing speed and pacing in life to enjoy the main event.

"One time, I saw a person wearing a sign that said, 'The End Is Near.' I asked him what he meant, and he just smiled and said, 'The end of the street.'"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Teaches the value of precise language and the dangers of misinterpreting dramatic warnings.

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A sharp, cynical commentary on societal expectations of masculinity and cruel humor.

"If I ever saw an amputee getting mugged, I'd yell, 'Hey! Leave him alone! He's unarmed!'"

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Demonstrates dark humor arising from literally applying concepts like 'unarmed' to unfortunate situations.

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I looked like without having to look in the mirror."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Expresses a deeply human curiosity about self-perception and external appearance.

"I like to look at the world as if it were a giant puzzle, and I’m trying to find the piece that fits perfectly—even if that piece is shaped like a tiny little horse."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Encourages the pursuit of meaning and purpose, even if the result is unexpected or silly.

"I've always found that the best way to deal with a bully is to agree with them. They get so confused, they usually leave."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Offers an unconventional, non-confrontational strategy for neutralizing conflict.

"If you spill coffee on your shirt, just tell people you're starting a new trend. They'll probably believe you."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A lesson in quickly turning an embarrassing mistake into a statement of confidence.

"The best way to know if you're a good friend is to invite your friend over, then leave your purse right out on the table. If it's still there when you get back, he's a good friend."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A cynical but funny test for determining trustworthiness and genuine friendship.

"If you ever find a tiny door in the woods, don't open it. It's probably a mouse trap."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A humorous warning against undue curiosity and the potential pitfalls hidden in seemingly enchanting opportunities.

"If you're going to put up a fence, make sure it's high enough so that if a cow jumps over it, it will land safely on the other side."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A reminder to consider all potential outcomes, including the absurd, when planning infrastructure.

"I think instead of 'Deep Thoughts,' they should call my column 'Pretty Good Thoughts.' Nobody would expect much, and they'd always be pleasantly surprised."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: Advocates for lowering expectations to maximize satisfaction, a classic under-promise/over-deliver strategy.

"When I was a kid, I used to think I could fly. I tried jumping off the roof of my house, and I learned that I can't fly. But I can fall really well."

Author: Jack Handey

Benefit: A funny reflection on early failure, emphasizing the importance of learning practical skills (like falling) from mistakes.

Jack Handey's legacy lies in his ability to push the boundaries of common sense until they snap, revealing the simple, strange core of human experience. We hope these Deep Thoughts provide you with a moment of much-needed laughter and a bizarre new way to look at the world around you.